November blues.

Hi friends,

November has been a little topsy turvy. For starters, it’s exactly a year since I broke up with my childhood sweetheart, an event Facebook has spent days remining me about, after buttering me up with all the sweet nothings we said to eachother and about eachother infront of the world in the months before said break up.  There was a time when I was the poster child for love and happy endings. People actually prayed for love like mine/ours.

Fast forward a few years, and here I am, married to someone I do not love and hoping that someday someone will love me and understand me and appreciate me the way my childhood love did. It’s been 6 years and the man still looks at me like I’ve got diamonds in my eyes. Who can say that’s not for real?

So many of you have been asking, and no he did not sign the papers. He wouldn’t even hear of it. How can he let me go when that’s what I desperately want? Who will be his toy? His emotional punching bag? His cook? I think of all the reasons that got me into this mess and i laugh. Back then,  it really seemed like the only thing I could have done. If only someone had told me that you can’t fix one problem by creating another. So here I am, confused and in a state of denial and low-key self loathing. I’m really not sure how I got here and  I feel like I’ve been dying a little bit everyday since that dreaded day almost two years ago.

So November has been a month of mourning. So many goodbyes have been said in this month over the years. And for some reason, this particular one feels a bit like all the goodbyes I’ve ever said are coming back to me. Why did we grow up? Today I saw a little girl with a t-shirt saying, “Don’t grow up, it’s a real!” And I thought, “ain’t that the truth?”

In two weeks, I’ll be on a month long break from work. To say I’m excited would be the understatement of the year. I’m beyond excited to unwind and spend some time doing the things I love. The good news is, even with all that I’ve been struggling with these last few months, I’m emotionally better than I have been in a long, long time. I’ve been falling in love with myself, learning to turn my back on bullshit , even when it might offend someone and I basically have far less time for people who are trying to waste my time. It feels good to take back your power.

So go ahead, love yourself.


The end of the road.

The hardest thing about being married is that there are rules and guidelines. You are supposed to act a certain way, feel a certain way. And because of this, it’s so hard to get help when things arent going well. The general “you’ll be alright” and “give it time” is said so many times that if I have to hear it ever again, I just might hurt someone.

So this is my dilemma. I’ve finally gathered the strength and courage to leave. But like one would expect, the finality of it all is very scary. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not having second thoughts or anything. This marriage has taken more from me than all the bad things that have happened to me in the last 25 years combined. And if it goes on any longer, I’ll never be anything, achieve anything. The little energy I have left after even the briefest of interactions with the man I married is just enough to get through the day. Sleep is such a relief, only to wake up and do it again the next day. I’ve done my best not to go numb, because I don’t think anyone should have the power to change another like that. I certainly won’t be giving out that power any time soon. I have sooooo much love in my heart, and I do pray that I will be able to share it with someone for the rest of my life.

That being said, my family seems to think that if I close this door, I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. I can’t lie and say I do not fear this. I do, more than anything else in the world. But fear of being alone is what got me into this mess in the first place. There’s not a single day that I have not woken up and thought that I should have waited. I should have said no when he asked. I should have listened to the voice inside my head when it said “cancel the wedding”.  But I was afraid of ending up alone, of what everyone would say, of eventually going astray. And yet here I am again at the exact same crossroad.

I’ve never needed support white as much as I do now. And yet it feels like my loved ones say and hear what they think they should say and hear. I do not feel heard, understood or empathised with. On more than one occassion, I’ve been made to feel like a deserter. Funny how I used to think the exact same thing about people who got divorced. But the thing is, we never really know people’s circumstances. Some situations should not be endured by anyone. And it’s terribly unfair of anyone of us to expect that of anyone. You know there’s a problem when death starts to feel like an attractive option or way out.

I’ve decided to make an appointment with a therapist. I think the unbiased ear and expert advice will help, both in terms of unburdening my heavy heart and perhaps making me feel a bit less disdained.

I need prayers and hugs and support and wine and all the patience and kindness in the world. I’m not a horrible person. I’m far perfect but I’m not horrible. As a matter of fact, I’d like to think that I’m a nice person with a good heart. And I just want to love and be loved in equal measure.  Is that too much to ask?

Anyway I’ve decided to trust the process.  This too shall come to pass.

And to everyone out there going through the same thing, I hope the words on this blog give you courage in knowing you are not alone.

Do you have a similar story to tell? I’d love to hear from you.

Thank you for stopping by!

Married African woman.